Hey everyone – it’s been a while. After receiving such bad news following IVF, I couldn’t bring myself to write. It’s been a hard month or so – not going to lie. At first I was just angry, but I’ve put it past me. Everyone keeps asking, “what’s next”? Well, to be honest, we don’t know. We are just giving it to God. It is all his timing after all. Maybe we are supposed to adopt. Maybe we are supposed to have a child naturally. Maybe we aren’t meant to have children – who knows? I certainly don’t.
What I do know is over this past month I have been feeling very depressed and I don’t say that lightly. I feel tired all the time – constantly wanting to just lay in bed and do nothing. I cry at every little thing. It’s hard to enjoy things that I normally enjoy. Sure, I put on a happy face and try to distract myself from how I feel. I force myself to go hang out with my friends, but deep down I’m just fooling myself – I feel terrible. I feel insecure. I feel disappointed. I feel depressed. People might not even notice, but I notice.
I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way. I really felt like I had a grasp on the failed IVF situation and rationally in my mind I am fine – seriously. So why do I feel this way? HORMONES! Duh… I was taking such high dosages of hormones that my body is trying to regulate them. Took me a few weeks to believe this, but I think I have finally bought into the theory. I don’t see any other reason why, but I’m so over it! I want to enjoy my life again. I want to not think twice about going to do stuff with my friends. I want to not live in this fog I’m in – it really sucks. How long will this feeling of being on the verge of tears last? Will it ever go away? It’s like I am stuck in a deep dark hole that someone threw me in and forgot about me. I can’t think straight.
I have no doubt that this phase in my life will pass and I will find the latter out of this hole I am in – soon hopefully. Yes, it is strange telling people how I feel, but maybe if I share then people won’t think I’m just being a crazy, emotional mess for no reason. I didn’t think I would have to go through this when I started IVF that’s for sure. Oh well – looks like another humid hair day for me. As usual.
I actually wrote this blog 2 weeks ago, but couldn’t bring myself to publish through the tears I had writing it. The struggle was real y’all! I am happy to report I am starting to feel myself again, slowly, but surely.